One of the difficulties bereaved persons face is
how to explain to us how they FEEL, when they
are grieving. What does it FEEL like to be in
the skin of a bereaved person? Is it similar to
other experiences in our life? Is there a way we
can relate on some level to the pain of grieving
persons when we are not grieving ourselves.
Most people can't allow
themselves to go to the place where they could
actually see themselves in the dark hole of
grief. We don't want to believe it would be that
bad for us, that we have the inner resources to
minimize grief's hold on us, unlike our grieving
friends. But if we can just connect their
feelings with some feelings that we have
experienced ourselves, then maybe, just maybe,
we can begin to comprehend the impact of grief
on a person's life. Then, after you connect with
any of these feelings you need to remember to
multiply your own feeling times x 100 to get
closer to the bereaved person's experience.
Here are some feelings
that I've experienced while grieving or that I've
heard other bereaved persons describe.
GRIEF is like being in a
bubble. You are no longer a part of the world
around you. Everything sounds muffled. You hear
conversations, but it's like the words have no
meaning. Nobody can reach you. There is an
uncomfortable distance that has been created
between you and those who don't understand
grief.
GRIEF is like looking
through a one-way window. You can see others,
but they can't see you. You feel invisible to
others. It's hard to understand how the world
can go on when life has stopped.
GRIEF is like wearing a
heavy weight on your chest. You have trouble
breathing. Sometimes your body takes deep
sighing breaths in an attempt to get more
oxygen. Sometimes you have anxiety attacks. And
your heart actually aches. The location of your
grief spot is right under your sternum close to
your heart. It's no wonder that your chest
hurts.
GRIEF is like wearing a
heavy coat with all the pockets full of rocks.
The grief literally weighs you down and slows
you down. Grief is not only emotionally
exhausting, but physically exhausting also.
Because the warm glow of life is not pulsing
through your body you may find it hard to keep
warm. After a while that heavy coat of grief
will begin to feel comfortable and you may
decide you don't want to take it off.
GRIEF is like being a
traveler on a high-jacked plane. It is as if you
have been taken to a foreign land where you do
not the know the language or the culture. Soon
you learn you can never return to the world as
you knew it. Grief can be pretty scary. You do
not want to be there. You probably don't know
how to grieve and you may not know what is
expected of you. When you try to speak to your
friends, they may not understand you. Your
friends know you have "gone away" for a while,
but they assume you will return and be the same
old you they once knew. But then you begin to
realize you will never return to that place
again and that others may never know or
understand this.
GRIEF is like the stages
of love: first falling in love and being totally
preoccupied by your new love, then becoming
comfortable as you begin to trust that your love
will always be with you. In grief, as when you
first fall in love, your heart longs to be with
the person who's died. Your desire to touch him
or her is overwhelming. Most other parts of your
life seem unimportant in comparison. Then
slowly, normal life begins to creep back in and
you find that your grief no longer demands the
high maintenance that it first required. You
will have created a special space in your heart
where you can carry this departed loved one with
you at all times, even as you go about other
things.
Death ends a lifetime,
but not a relationship.
I welcome hearing other
ways you relate to how your grief feels